Straight Path on Sidewinder
by ProfessorScience
Summary: The most messed up conflict between two teams. Ever. Rated T for violence and pointlessly excessive vulgur language.
1. Chapter 1

Straight Path on Sidewinder.

Morning had just set in on the small snowy valley known as Sidewinder. One could almost fell the stupidity radiating off both teams. The recruits on the red team had awoken for the prep talk from the team leader. The blue team was busy getting drunk.

"Alright, we're here for a game of

Capture-The-Stick-With-A-Fabric-With-A-Design-On-The-Top" said the team captain of the red team, gently stroking his favorite pistol.

"Sir, isn't it called Capture-The-Flag, or CTF?" piped one of the recruits.

The leader shot of a round in his head, and the recruit crumpled to the floor.

"Let's see what the recruitment office gave us." as the leader assembled his men in a line.

The first recruit was trembling in his boots, as the commander's visor was an inch away from his.

"Sonny, what's your name?" questioned the commander.

"B-B-Bobby Billy Bob Joe Bob Bob Joe Billy Bob-"

"Your name is now R2-D2."

"Why, sir?"

"Because I'm an asshole."

The commander marched to the next recruit. He wasn't wearing his helmet. In fact, he was wearing only his underwear and a tee-shirt while playing his CD-player full-blast and sipping on a margarita.

"Private…." said the commander in a low voice. The recruit continued to listen to his tunes.

"Private….." growled the commander in a louder voice. No response.

"PRIVATE!" the commander yelled. His voice tore across the valley, across HALO, across space itself. The sheer loudness of his voice ripped a hole in sub-space and dragged a certain Italian plumber into a new world. But that's another story for another time.

"Yeah, dude?" said the recruit as he took off his catcher's mitt-sized headphones.

"You're stupid." growled the leader.

"Well, how do you think I got this job, dude?" replied the recruit.

"Point taken. And that's sir to you, hippie." said the commander as he walked to the next recruit.

This recruit was huge. A massive block of physical perfection. A mountain of muscle, a tower of toughness, a castle of- well, you get the idea.

"Who are you?" asked the commander.

The recruit took a big gulp of air and said, "ME GRUG! ME HANDLE THE EXPLODIE THINGS! GRUG LIKE SMASH. SMASH GOOOOOOD."

The commander decided to test Grug's smashing power.

"Grug, give that warthog over there a hug." said the commander as he pointed toward a warthog.

"HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUG!" roared Grug as he trampled toward the vehicle, lifted it off the ground, squeezed it, and split it in half.

"I like." said the leader simply.

"And you are?" asked the commander to a seedy-looking individual.

"My name's John Alley, but I'm not the kind to warm up to anyone very soon. Some consider me evil." Replied the recruit.

Now the leader was interested.

"How evil?"

The recruit smiled.

"I murdered my mother and mauled my father at the age of five. My past years have been hazy, but I do remember committing random genocides and stabbing people on a cold day just to see steam rise from their wounds. Before coming here, I busted out of jail and killed a few girl scouts along the way."

"I'm not impressed." stated the leader.

"You didn't let me finish. I busted out of jail after and killed a few girl scouts along the way, but only after raping a basket of puppies and appearing on "Friends" TWICE."

"I think we'll get along nicely." whispered the commander, smiling.

"Okay, who did I miss?" asked the commander.

"Duuuuuuude, what about that guy that was braggin' about how ghost could own any other vehicle out there?" answered Hippie.

Just then, a voice cracked the air.

"G1-105TS PWN j00!" it shrilled, before the ghost crashed into the western wall of Sidewinder and exploded, obliterating itself and the driver.

"I'm not even going to turn around and look." said the leader as he went back inside the red base to drink himself silly.


	2. Chapter 2

Straight Path on Sidewinder: Chapter 2.

While the red leader was passed out in his own vomit, the reds decided to see which one could make the biggest fart.

What does this have to do with the introduction of the blue team? Nothing.

The blue leader had just awoken in his own vomit, and noticed his underlings were doing the same.

"Holy sheeeeeet commander, what did you put in that beer?" said one of the blues.

"Enough tranquilizer to kill a bull elephant, you lightweights" scowled the blue leader.

"But you were drunk after the first bee-" the blue tried to reason, but was promptly pistol-whipped into unconsciousness.

The commander, standing over the bloodied blue, proceeded to call his men into assembly.

The commander simply pointed his finger at the first man in line and dubbed him as Earl 1. The second was dubbed as Earl 2 and so on. The unconscious blue was named Pansy-McPanserson. The blue leader dubbed himself as Chick Magnet.

_Could this method of naming have something to do with the author being lazy? Quite possibly so._

The blues had already taken combat positions while the reds were lighting farts.

**_Sidewinder, _****_May 23rd, 2555_******

**_9:45 AM_******

_"Earl 1, this is Earl 3, I have taken the sniper position and-"_

_"JIMMY CRACKS CORN AND I DON'T CARE-"_

_"GET OFF THE LINE, PANSY!"_

_"JIMMY GOT HIT OVER THE HEAD WITH A WATERMELON AND I STILL DON'T CARE!"_

_"Commander-"_

_"CRACKS CORN!"_

_"**SHAAAAATAAAAAP!"**_****

****

**_"…"_**

****

**_"_**_Commander-"_

_"That's chick magnet to you."_

_"Fine.__ Chick Magnet, I think you hit Pansy a little too hard on the head."_

_"Heh.__ Damn right I did."_

_"_**_JIMMY CORN CRACKER WILL CAUSE GRIEF AND DAMNATION TO YOU ALL!"_**

****

_"You've created a monster, sir."_

_"Damn right I have."_

_"Earl 4, what do you have to say about this?"_

_"Jimmy cracks corn and I don't care…"_

_"Damnit!__ Not you too!"_

_"It's a catchy song."_

_"Sir?"_

_"…"_

_"Sir?"_

_"Jimmy cracks-"_

_"**GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"**_****

****

"_No-one likes Earl 2. _:(_"_

The red commander had been awake long enough to hear someone singing, "Jimmy cracked Corn" on the his radio.

He remembered advice his sensei had given long ago.

**FLASHBACK**

A tiny Asian man had been training the red commander for years, and was laying on his death bed. The red leader had come for the last bit of advice that his sensei could give him before he passed on.

"What? What is the advice I need to become a great warrior?" asked a much-younger-looking but still as much of an asshole red leader.

"Weemembuur dees wuurds." Said the Asian man.

Red leader picked him up and shook him violently.

"WHAT? WHAT ADVICE?"

"Jimmy Cwack Cone good song. Sung by good soldiers. Make spirit stwong." Replied the Asain man.

"Jimmy crack this." Said red leader as he chucked the man out the window, who was then promptly eaten by a squirrel.

**END FLASHBACK**

"I hated him." Was the last thought before a scorching blaze of heat hit him in the face.


	3. Chapter 3

"Now look what you did, Grug. You killed the commander." said R2-D2 , standing over the burnt corpse of the red commander.

Grug poked at corpse, and gigantic tears fromed in his bowling-ball sized eyes.  
Grug quietly sat down, and then threw the biggest crying fit to ever grace the history of the universe, and a certain Italian's pumber's green-clad brother was also flung in to a new world. But that is also another story for another time.

While Grug was throwing his tantrum, the rest of the red team had dived for shelter.

John Alley ducked underneath a Scorpion Tank.

R2-D2 sought shelter in the underground bunkers.

Hippie simply turned up the volume on his CD player.

The forementioned Ghost Rider was busy being dead.

May 23rd, 2555.

10:37 PM

"_Chick Magent, you hear that?_"

"_You mean the ungodly loud crying from the red base?_"

"_That, and the 9.7 earthquake that's happening right now._" 

"_Shouldn't we be running?_"

"_Running is overrated._"

"_But we'll die._"

"_Pansy, your new name is now Gay McGayserson_"

"_All I said was-_"

"_ Shut up, or I'll demote you Dragqueen McDraggerson._"

"" 

"_Hey, it stopped._"

"**I'm going to kill you all.**"

"_Who the hell was that?_"

Grug's crying was now nothing more than the occasional sniffle.

John Alley looked at the corpse, and said, "I learned some Blalck Magic a while back. I could bring him back."

R2-D2 raised an eyebrow. "From who?" he asked.

"Some guy named Stan. Or was it Stanan? Bah, I don't remember. His house was hotter than anything I'd ever felt, though." he answered. 

John's eyes suddenly lit up.

"I will need 3 cups of gold coins, a cold fusion reactor, 67 pounds of sugar, and a cat!" he said as he suddenly ran off muttering something about needing virgin's blood.

"Grug may have the IQ of a turnip, but Grug know this bad idea." Grug said simply.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

-----------

_**May 23rd, 2555.**_

_**12:01 PM**_

_"And I'm telling you, that the earthquake was caused by rabid iceworms."_

_"For the last time, it was caused by bigfoot."_

_"Bigfoot isn't even real, you retard."_

_"Oh, then who was it I was doing the nasty to in that porn mo-"_

_"TOO MUCH INFORMATION"_

_"Hey guys, I think they're up to something."_

_"What are they doing?"_

_"It looks like they're using a cat, 3 cups of gold, 67 pounds of sugar and virgin's blood to re-animate thier comannder."_

_"How would you know?"_

"Don't ask."

John had mixed the formula into the human skull, and poured it onto the corpse.

"With this potion, he shall live again!" he screamed.

A blinding light radiated from the commander's body, and eventually faded.

The body did nothing. Whatt the hell did you expect a corpse to do?

John frowned.

"Perhaps the vigin's blood was from a guy that jerked off on a regular basis..." he said, scratching his head. He turned around and went off to seek the blood of Micheal Moore for a more pure virgin's blood.

Grug's eyes lit up.

"John! Look!" he shrilled. John turned around and gasped.

The corpse stood up, and dusted itself off.

"Any of you got any water?" said the commander.

Grug was so overjoyed at the commander's return that he picked him up and hugged him with the force of a train wreck. This proved too much for the commander's body, and he snapped in half.

Grug, with the realization of what he had done, had started to cry until the top half of the commander spoke.

"Why the hell did I not die from that?" he said, puzzled.

John walked over him, and smiled.

"Your a zombie, commander."

"The Resident Evil zombie? Or the Dawn Of The Dead Zombie?" he asked, still laying on the floor, bleeding blood by the gallons.

"The Dawn Of The Dead Type."

"New Dawn Of The Dead or The old Dawn Of The Dead?"

"New one"

"Sweeeeeet."

_**May 23rd, 2555.**_

_**12:04 PM**_

_"Oh great, now their commander is a zombie."_

_"Resident Evil type or Dawn Of The Dead type?"_

_"Dawn of The Dead."_

_"New one or old one?"_

_"New one."_

_"Crap."_

-------------

End chapter 4


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

The red commander has sewn himself back together, and went to go take a ride in the Scorpion Tank. As he was riding, he noticed a blue hiding behind a rock formation. Smiling, he pulled the main turret trigger and blew the rock to pieces.

Grug was counting snow. Hippie helped him.

R2-D2 was perfecting the famous beeping noises.

Ghost Rider was still dead. He considered a careeer change.

As the red commander stepped out of his tank, he gasped.

The blue had not been blown apart, but her armor had been ripped off.

The wearer of the now ripped-apart stood up, ans said,

"Hello. I'm Leon Kennedy. I no like zombahs."

"What you got against zombies?"

"Actually, I hate Ganados. But you're close enough."

"Oh."

Elsewhere, Grug never finished counting the snow. He forgot what number came after one.

Where was John Alley during all this?

He was stabbing himself to see steam rise from his wounds. What a sicko.

R2-D2 was continued to beep, like some very annoying clock alarm.

-------------------

May 23rd, 2555

5:34 AM

"_Oh snap."_

_"What"_

_"Leon Kennedy."_

_"From Resi 4?"_

_"Yeah."_

"_Ruh-oh."_

_"Hey guys..."_

_"What now, Pansy?"_

_"The red team has captured me, and they are taking me to their base."_

_"Good riddance."_

_"You know what Chick Magnet? Fuck you."_

_-------------_

End Chapter 5


	6. Another Story For Another Time pt 1

Mario was thrown into a new world. He hit the ground hard, and stood up with some difficulty.

"Hmmmmm.." he thought to himself, "Lazy battle animations, thousands of people, monster camping, very low polygon count."

He gasped when he realized where he was.

He was in Runescape.

Bombarded by Spam, noobs, and bad grammar, he contimplated a way out the god-awful MMORPG.

Just then, a wizard walked up to Mario.

He stood there for what seemed like hours, and finally said,

"**Spare money for a noob?**

**----------------------**

Luigi had landed in the middle of a strange forest. He checked his surroundings, and noticed a few things.

1.) There were sentient, upright-walking animals.

2.)That he himself was a upright walking green rabbit.

3.) There were pillars of light coming out of the ground.

Luigi's eyes widened in horror.

He was in Furcadia.

Luigi attempted to log out, but pressed the wrong button as he landed himself right bad smack in the middle of a Furcadia whorehouse.

Luigi tried to escape, but was leg-humped into a coma.

When he woke up, all his fur was shaved off.

----------------------------------------------

Mario had been in Runescape from a while now, and he had begun to like it.

His only source of food where the wandering newbies in the wilderness.

Mario stood poised in a tree, ready to strike. As he saw a level 15 walk by, he jumped on him, and ate him in 2.7 seconds.

"New record." he noted, as he walked off to the east to find some more newbies.

Mario found a small encampment. As Mario neared the camp, he heard a scream. When he turned around, a man with no clothes on, pure-red glowing eyes, and was holding a vibrator as he was yelling at the top of his lungs.

Pure terror was the last thing Mario felt before he died.

Luigi woke up, and realized he was being skinned alive.

"Hmmmm boy, this rabit will be some good eats." said the author.

Mario woke up with a gasp.

Heart working.

Lungs functioning.

Brain not broked.

Alive.

Self-Narration. Sign of insanity, but alive.

Mario looked above his head, and realized that a skull was floating above his head. He realized that all his equipment was gone, too.

He decided to do the only thing he could do, and dreaded the most.

He walked up to Level 5 warrior, and gathering all his courage, he said:

"**_Spare money for a killed noob_**?"

Mario was then mauled by a level 12,384 mouse.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 6.  
------------ 

Pansy's legs were tied to a pole, as he was carried down Sidewinder cliff. For some reason, the reds were wearing tribal attire.  
"Uhhhh...Why are you dressed like that?" asked Pansy, resisting the urge to laugh.

The reds stopped dead in their tracks. Their eyes went wide, and they started talking amongst one another. John Alley finally looked at Pansy.  
"We have a reason...We just don't remember it..."

Pansy was biting his lip so hard to resist to laugh that blood was coming out of his mouth.

Grug's eyes went wide. "Let's eat 'em!" he suggested.

Pansy's laughter came to a train-wreck stop as he turned a shade of white that would make casper look like coal. He sputtered, "E-Eat me?" 

R2-D2 put a hand on Pansy's shoulder. "Don't worry, he gets like that." said R2-D2.

John Alley and Hippie were about to start carrying Pansy when Grug just stood there.

"C'mon dude, help us lift this guy." said Hippie, straining to lift Pansy in his still-equipped armor.

Grug just stood there.  
"Get a move on, peanuts-for-brains!" barked John.  
Grug still stood there.  
R2-D2 was concerned about his negative IQ buddy.  
"You alright, Grug?" asked R2-D2.

Grug then opened his mouth. He opened it to the size of an open umbrella, exposing his rotten teeth and gigantic tounge.

"**GRUG FEEL THE NEED. THE NEED TO FEED!**" he roared.

The last thought to go through the red teams' mind was:

_"Damnit, didn't Grug have a dentist?"_  
-------------------- 

The Red Commander had killed Leon in about 3 seconds, and proceeded to defile his remains.

**_May 23rd, 2555 _****_  
_****_7:45 AM_**

_"Well, he killed Leon." ___

_"Ain't that a B?" ___

_"Wait, what the hell is he doing to his...Oh my god..." ___

_"MY SWEET VRGIN EYES!" ___

_"I just lost all faith in humanity." ___

_"Welcome to the club."_

Elsewhere, a certain dead ghost rider was laughing his ass off.


	8. Chapter 8

**_May 23rd, 2555. _****_  
_**_**11:24 PM** __  
__"ZzzzZzzzzZzzzz" ___

_"Magnet?" ___

_"Zzzz...wha?" ___

_"Aren't we going to save Pansy?" ___

_"Yeah, tommorow. Sleepy time. Bears...Mario...tired...ZZZzzzzzzZZzzzz" ___

_"Ah, hell." ___

_"The commander dozed off, didn't he?" ___

_"Shouldn't you be asleep?" ___

_"I shall never close my eyes on a mission, for I am..." ___

_"Aw hell, here we go again." ___

_"THE SNIPER! My target never escapes my sight as an unforseen force __guides__ me. I can go without sleep, food, or taking a dump for weeks on end. I am the perfect stealth killing machine. I F'ing own." ___

_"Yeah, while your on your little ego __trip__, you might want to notice the giant red behind you, licking his lips." ___

_"What are you-OH MY GOD! AHHHMMMMAAARRMMMFFFfffff..." ___

_"Dumbass." ___

_"Hey, what happened to the red commander?" ___

_"He's still doing unspeakable things to the carcass."_

It was dank in Grug's stomach. Very dank. So dank that if the author knew a better word for dank, he'd use that one instead.

"Hey John, how are we here?" inquired hippie, still blaring his Woodstock jams.  
"We were eaten, dumbass." snapped John.

"No, how are we here, alive, and not getting digested by stomach acids?" 

"I don't know..." replied John.

"Hyello." said another voice.

"Who the hell was that?" said R2-D2, shaking like a Chihuahua on crack.

"Me." said the voice, and the owner of the voice stepped into the light.   
"I'm the sniper for the blues, Earl...damnit, what number was I?... To hell with it. My real name's Mary."

The reds looked at each other, and started laughing very hard. When they had finished their little giggles, John said, "Mary. What a loser. Was your mother drunk?"

"No, my father was." said Mary.

"So, how are we getting out of here?" asked R2-D2.

"I don't mind staying in here. Getting digested sounds pretty erotic." said Mary, smiling.

John simply pointed a finger at Mary and said very coldy, "You're no longer allowed to talk anymore."


End file.
